Six Sentence Sunday #13

Well I’m up to the 13th one of these… hopefully nobody is feeling superstitious. 🙂

Once again this six is taken from my current WIP “The Grandfather’s Blades”. This week is a little scene between Craven, my main character, and Kazza, who runs a brothel in the city.

    “Thank you, it’d mean a lot to me, I know what it’s like to have your world turned upside down.”
    Kazza looked at him, an unusual expression on her face. “I never imagined you having a soft heart.”
    “But you have imagined me, eh?”
    She crossed her arms over her chest. “And we’re right back to being shallow.”

In my view this scene needs a some work. I am not really happy with the “unusual expression” phrase. So if any one of you can think of a more showing way of describing her expression I would absolutely value the input.

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9 thoughts on “Six Sentence Sunday #13”

  1. Hello! Just stumbled on here from Twitter. I’d say, what is her face actually doing? Is her mouth tight? Are her eyes wary? Or is she squinting or raising an eyebrow? I kind of hesitate to say raising an eyebrow actually. My characters are raising their eyebrows way too much. I can’t wait to cut 99% of my eyebrow raising. Or maybe she’s pursing her lips or fidgeting with something. Anyway, yeah ‘unusual expression’ is pretty vague. Unusual could mean anything.
    Or if before that it’s already established that Kazza is talking to Craven, you might not need a tag there at all; the dialogue speaks well for itself. Just my two cents.
    I’m curious about the characters though! Especially if there’s a brothel involved.

  2. Great scene, Gzidar. I think “amused expression” or “quizzical look” would work, but if you’re going for a more cynical reaction from her, then possibly just a snort? I agree about the overuse of raised eyebrows.

  3. Love their banter. She’s a smart one, I think.
    As for expression, perhaps focusing on her body language or the movement of her eyes instead of her face would do the trick? (Kazza’s eyes narrowed and she studied him)

  4. You can also say, “an odd expression” because he isn’t in her head. It’s from his POV, right? If he can’t decipher it, then leave it as “odd” or show something like surprise in her raised eyebrows or tilting her head to one side.

    If this is from her POV, I’d say “she frowned, puzzled.” Good luck, Goran. Fun six. 🙂

  5. Thanks everyone for your input. I think I might opt for the simplest option and simply delete the words “an unusual expression on her face” – what she says should convey her expression without my fumbling attempt to describe it beforehand 🙂

    Now time to plan next week’s six sentences… might select something from my published work for the next one.

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